Am I The Problem?

Lately, I have been asking myself a question that scared me to even think about.

What if I’m the problem?

I have been sitting with a lot emotionally, and the truth is, I feel lost. I feel alone more than I want to admit. I constantly question myself, my worth, and whether people actually love me or if they just tolerate me because of what I can do for them.

I spend so much of my life showing up for other people. I help. I give. I fix things. I carry things. I pour into people constantly. Somewhere along the way, I stopped checking on myself.

I realized I only feel productive or motivated when I am doing something for someone else. When it comes to my own life, my own goals, and my own future, I feel stuck. I have ideas, dreams, and plans, but mentally I feel frozen. I struggle to believe in myself enough to fully go after the life I say I want.

I have also realized that I do not trust people the way I pretend I do. I want love and connection, but I keep people at a distance because I am afraid of being hurt, used, disappointed, or abandoned. I crave closeness while protecting myself from it at the same time.

Lately, life has felt heavier than usual. Financial pressure, stress, responsibility, motherhood, work, relationships, and trying to keep everything together have all started catching up to me. I have reached a point where I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I started convincing myself that maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I am too emotional. Maybe I am too dependent. Maybe I am failing because I am not strong enough.

But the more honest I became with myself, the more I realized I am not failing because I am lazy or incapable. I am overwhelmed. I have been surviving for so long that I do not know how to function outside of survival mode anymore.

I think people underestimate what it does to a person when they are always the strong one. When people are used to you carrying everything well, they stop noticing when you are drowning.

The hardest part is that I do not always know how to ask for help. I pray. I try to stay hopeful. I try to keep pushing. But sometimes I genuinely feel like I am carrying all of this alone.

This is not a post for sympathy. It is just honesty.

I know I need to make changes in my life. I know I need to stop depending on everyone else to save me. I know I need to trust myself more. I know I need to heal parts of myself that I have ignored for a long time.

But I also know that being honest about where I am is the first step.

Right now, I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I am trying to figure things out while still being everything to everybody else.

And if I am being completely honest, some days I feel like I am drowning.

But I am still here trying.

Love you, mean it.

— Agatha